Monday, September 18, 2006


I do not really like college. I am about four months in college right now. But I still do not like it. A lot of things are bothering me. And I feel a bit lonely in college. I think I regret taking my course. I still do not like my course, how much I tried.

My course in college is BS Accountancy, and the university has pretty high standards here. I have to get at least a 2.4 grade to pass. It seems easy, but it's not. I have to admit it; my performance in school is not really excellent. Maybe I am just too lazy… since I am like this in high school. I never developed good studying habits. I guess I am anxious if I will be able to get a 2.4 every semester and be able to keep on studying Accounting.

In our first day, our Accounting teacher made us write an essay why we took up Accountancy. My essay goes like this: "Food, Entertainment, Music and Literature are the things that I love and interest me most in life. But I believe I will be able to have something to do with these things in my life, even though I will not take a course that deals with them, so I decided to take another course - that is not related to them. I decided to take Accountancy because of four reasons. First, it is the hardest course to pass for in this university. I want to try how far can I go. Second, I am very weak with numbers, and I want to improve. Third, I want to continue the legacy of my mother, who finished Business Administration Major in Accounting in this university, but did not get the chance to take the board exam. And Fourth, it is the same course that my girlfriend took…"

Another thing that bothers me… after we entered college, my girlfriend and I seem to become distant. One major thing why I did not choose to go to UP Los Banos to take up Com Sci (Yes, I passed the UPCAT) is because I do not want to be far from her. But now, there seems to be a gap. There seems to be a sudden coldness. She seems to avoid me. We never talk. The only time we were able to talk in college was on my birthday and one week before the intrams. Texting is rarer than talking. Maybe it's all this studying… but I believe there is something more. If anyone ask her if we are still on, she replies "Ewan (I do not know)." I don't understand. I tried to ask her why, but her reply was "ewan", too. I can let her go if that is what is the best for her and it will make her happy. Even if it means I ending up brokenhearted - so be it. I hope she answer my questions. This matter really needs to be resolve. It's kind of lonely, you know…
I really love her… (Hell, I hate when it when I am sentimental)

Damn Poverty! It really is bad. That's another thing. Poverty is starting to sting. I only get enough for transportation. I used to have - at least - enough. I still et by… but I sure do hope my allowance increase. But I guess I should be thankful for the little amount I get. At least, it is still a blessing.

My health - as usual - is worrying me also. It may be psychological, but I think I am weaker now than back in high school. At least, I do not have any bad illness - at least something that I know of.

Anyway, I should always remember my motto "Hakuna Matata". God will take care of my worries. I trust the Big Guy. He'll get me through.

But I cannot help wondering why I am in college. College depresses me. I am not enjoying college like I did with high school. Then I remembered another thought - a thing that happened years ago.

My school back in Grade I was once located nearly at the same location where the college I am studying now stands… so I easily recollected that incident eleven years ago. The building of the college was under construction back then. When I was in Grade I, my mother fetched me every afternoon after school. My school was from morning to afternoon. In the morning that day, my teacher suddenly announced that classes are suspended that afternoon. Well, the morning class ended and one by one, my classmates - then my teacher - left. I was left alone. Then it struck me; my mother has no way of learning the announcement that classes for the afternoon are suspended. Then I cried since I do not know what to do. It was lunchtime and I cannot bring myself to stop crying and eat my lunch. I was famished. Then suddenly, I caught the attention of two beautiful college girls (they were beautiful for me since they have beautiful hearts). They asked what was wrong, and I told them about it. They calmed me down and offered to take me to my mother. I stopped crying and agreed. I told them how to get to my mother's place of work; I have no way of going there alone since I still cannot go alone back then and besides, I have no money (never had allowance until Grade III). Well, they took me there and my mother was surprised to see me as the girls explained what happened. My mother thanked them and treated them some lunch. They politely refused since they explained that they have a test in the afternoon, and judging from the distance from the school and my mother's workplace, they are already late. They quickly said their good-byes then left.

As I think of them now, maybe they were Accountancy students and were at risk of missing a test..., which is terrible for an Accounting student. Anyway, Accountancy students or not, I am thankful for them. They sacrificed their lunch… and maybe their grades because of missing or being late for that test. That was a big thing for me, and I carried that memory all through out elementary and high school. I will never see those girls again and even if I do, I will never remember their faces. I can never give them back a favor. Each time I think of that moment, any cynicism in me melts.

And as I remembered that, my dislike for college lessens. Yes, I still don't like college… but I think it is going to be okay. Maybe, good things will come my way in college. I might lose my girlfriend or fail in Accountancy or any other bad things may happen… but I will not allow that to stop me. Now I am in college. Maybe the only thing I can repay back those two girls who helped me years ago, is to try to do to others what they did to me. Maybe I have to start thinking less about myself 9and my anxieties) and more for others… like what those college students did for me years ago.
That memory, I will keep for a lifetime… and I hope I can give someone the same kind of memory I got. Maybe that's why I am in college…

No comments: