Chain of Thoughts: Let Me Rant... Because, Obviously, I'm Not OK

• There’s indeed something wrong with me.  So funny that just a few days ago, I have been extremely happy.  But just recently, this happiness was forcibly taken away from me.  As if Dementors sucked it off…

• So forgive my ranting.  I need this.  “Writing is therapy”, as I always say.

• What am I feeling right now?  Hmmm.  Sad.  Hurt.  Frustrated.  Disgusted.  Angry.  Self-pity.  Helpless.  Sick.  These emotions come in waves… one at a time or all at the same time.  Sometimes I succeed in stopping the flush of pains.  Sometimes, I fail.  I think I would not be exaggerating that among the heartbreaking things that happened in my life, this is the worst.  To be fair, God has saved  me from severe heartbreaks in life (Thank you, Lord.), so not much heartbreaks to compare this to.  Still, never been this sad before.

• Also, never been so angry like this before.  Rage boils inside.  It feels like I want to GRAB SOMEONE’S HAIR AND THEN SLAM THE HEAD OVER AND OVER AGAIN AGAINST THE WALL, BREAK THE SPINE LIKE A MATCHSTICK, AND THEN SLAM THE BODY ALL AROUND THE PAVEMENT LIKE A RAGDOLL!!!! RAAAAAAAWWWR!!!!

• The “somebody” I mentioned above doesn’t really mean a person.  Any anger I have on some people are fading, and any anger that I feel is mostly on the situation.  Yep, I want to beat something intangible like the situation into pulp as if it’s something tangible.  Irrational?  Yep.  Anger inspires a lot of irrationality.  Just as a raging Hulk would even pick a fight with the rain and lightning.

• It seems gratifying to be able to be like the Hulk, able to just let your rage explode and violently go berserk – screaming, smashing, and pulverizing.  The release could be the greatest cathartic satisfaction ever.  

• But it’s not the best way.  As a Christian, there should be no room for hate in my heart.  Indeed, I’ve been angry to some people… but the anger I have on them is fading (credit goes to the Holy Spirit).  But, again, there is still anger brewing in me.  Though it is not directed on people, the anger is still there.  It’s sort of fluctuating.  Sometimes it fades with the healing process.  But then, if reminded of my pain and situation – and how it led to this – the wounds are reopened and the anger returns again. Thus, as long as the pain exists, it will be now part of my daily struggles to overcome this anger each day.  May God help me.  I don’t want to have fed-up anger in me explode.

• I have always believed that having hate in my heart is hazardous to my own well-being.  I have to be careful about this anger in me.  According to Master Yoda, anger is one step away from hate and two steps away from suffering.

• That’s one good piece of wisdom.  I don’t want to ultimately go to the Dark Side.  So, really need to quench these negative emotions.  But again, as long as the pain is there, the anger will probably linger.

• Before it happened, I felt it in my bones that it was coming.  Thus, I prayed to God that I will be saved from pain.  But He didn’t.  I know He has a good reason… He always does.  Instead of letting it add to my frustrations, I reminded myself that even if God allowed it for me to experience this pain, I should be grateful that he saved me from the worst pain possible: an eternity in Hell.  There’s nothing more terrifyingly painful than the suffering in Hell.  And what’s a few days… weeks… months… and, even, years of pain in this world?  It might be a long time, but that’s no comparison to an eternity in Hell.  And for that – God saving me from that fate – makes me thankful. 

• And, yes, I believe that, someday, God will save me from this pain I experience now.

• Uh, sometimes, I too much concentrate on the bad things I experience.  I allow the pain to overwhelm me and blind me from the good things God has given me.  Because if you indeed compare the good with the bad, the good would always outweigh the bad.  Sorry, Lord.  I’m glad that You continue to sustain me.  Thank you for the hope that I have in You.  And thank you for giving me the knowledge that the Ultimate Joy can really be found in You alone.  Thus, this particular Joy of mine can’t be taken away from me like these other joys.

• Whenever I feel discouraged and hopeless, I sing this Switchfoot/Mandy Moore song to myself… really powerful and beautiful and encouraging words (my favorite parts are italized and bold): 

There's a song that's inside of my soul. 

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again 

I'm awake in the infinite cold. 

But you sing to me over and over and over again. 

So, I lay my head back down. 

And I lift my hands and pray 

To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours 

I know now you're my only hope. 

Sing to me the song of the stars. 

Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again. 

When it feels like my dreams are so far 

Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again. 

So I lay my head back down. 

And I lift my hands and pray 

To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours 

I know now, you're my only hope. 

I give you my destiny. 

I'm giving you all of me. 

I want your symphony, singing in all that I am 

At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back. 

So I lay my head back down. 

And I lift my hands and pray 

To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours 

I pray, to be only yours 

I know now you're my only hope.  

• Beautiful song.  Always gives me pleasant goosebumps.  If I have a good voice, I will gladly sing it for you.  Indeed, my hope is in God.  A God that controls the Universe also controls my life.  And His wonderful plan for me will always carry perfectly into completion!  I should believe in this...

• I am not all pains and anger.  There are times I am able to detach – like before.  My personality before, I was hard to emotionally shaken.  I can’t be bothered by pain.  If I feel unfavorable emotions, my defenses easily disregard them.  Any misery I felt was undetermined because they were considered as irrelevant.  I maintain good emotional equilibrium because of this defense.  I couldn’t be hurt because didn’t care.  I didn’t care because I was apathetic.  But last year, my emotional barriers broke down, allowing myself to finally see a clear distinction between misery and happiness.  With defense gone, I began to care.  Thus, because I was caring, I was vulnerable to be bothered.  I was vulnerable to the pain brought by being hindered to be with the object I cared for. 

• But as I’ve said, there are times when something just clicks inside me and I detach from the pain and anger.  Once again dismissing the pain and anger as irrelevant.  Maybe the emotional defense mechanisms are kicking in once again.  Maybe the pain will be ignored once again, or at least, be made tolerable.    

• My mind does work weirdly (So does yours if you really ponder on it).  If the personalities start to “divide” again, then it means the aspects of my life are being made autonomous from each other again to isolate the aspects that are in pain from those that aren’t, so that the pain won’t be able to touch the healthy aspects.

• Gibberish to you?  Remember:  Ranting.  Therapy. 

• No.  I’m not going insane (yet).  Love is keeping me sane.

• For the record, I love her.  

• I hope I will get out of this undamaged – or at least fully recovered.  I hope after all of this, there will be no hidden bitterness or resentment in my heart.  I’m hoping this pain will make the joy of the future glorious.

• Gonna terribly miss those time we were free to be together. Villains won this round.  But someday Batman and Supergirl will fly together again.   

• May God help me through the next days.  

• For the time being that I’m waiting for a miracle, I will seek You first.  Because in the end, nothing else matters.  Even this pain won’t.